Mirkwood T.A. 6
King Thranduil has won the latest ‘Middle Earth’s Most Eligible Ellon Award’.
Every 100 years or so, the women of Middle Earth vote on which male elf lingering on the Hither Shores is the most eligible, taking into account factors such as looks, intelligence, musical ability, and muscle mass. This year’s shortlist was as follows:
Lord Elrond of Imladris
Círdan the Shipwright
Elladan and Elrohir (joint entry)
King Thranduil of Mirkwood
Lord Celeborn of Lothlórien
In third place came Lord Elrond, hero of the recent war against Sauron, who is still single despite a large income and intriguing looks courtesy of his mixed Sindar-Noldor-Mannish-Maia-Vanyar-Teleri heritage.
When pressed for comment, Elrond stated that:
I am, of course, pleased to have reached third place in this extraordinary competition. It’s almost as great an honour as having helped to defeat Sauron. But I’m sorry to inform my loyal fans that I already have my eyes on a certain special lady. A lady whose name begins with C and ends with N, and to whom I intend to propose as soon as I can get Celeborn to stop glowering at me every time I visit.
In second place came Haldir, Lothlórien’s most famous marchwarden. He won the award three centuries ago on the strength of his animal magnetism, extraordinary skill with a bow, and the notorious ‘wet-shirt’ incident which was the talk of Lothlórien for at least sixty years.
We were unable to obtain comment from Haldir, as the female reporter we sent to Lothlórien seems to have run away with him. The pair were last spotted engaged in amorous activities in Haldir’s bijou flet, but their current whereabouts are unknown.
The winner of this year’s award was none other than King Thranduil of Mirkwood. This is the first time Thranduil has won the competition, as until now, Celeborn has won the award almost every time.
A smug Thranduil told The Times of Arda:
I’m totally unsurprised that the ladies voted me Middle Earth’s Most Eligible Ellon. How could they not, what with my gorgeous golden hair, my fabulous jewellery collection, and my brooding charm? Not to mention, I ride a moose into battle, which makes me much more stylish than stuffy old Celeborn, who, I might add, has definitely been using his wife’s powers to rig this competition in his favour ever since it began.
The award consists of a specially-commissioned life-sized golden statue of the winner, and the right to head all letter correspondence with ‘Winner of Middle Earth’s Most Eligible Ellon Award’. No doubt Thranduil will be sure to display his statue to advantage in his treasury, which we understand is Middle Earth’s largest.